Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
