That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
please come you make the beer taste better
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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