I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
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he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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