Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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