Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
