Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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