Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
