I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
