In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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