Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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