Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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