i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
