I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
