Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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