glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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