Where did you get a picture of my penis
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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