M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
