Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
