I'm lost and stupid without you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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