I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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