I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
