It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I am midnight drunk by noon
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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