I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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