He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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