so explain again why im purple
no
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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