remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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