There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
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He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize