What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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