did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
