im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
