He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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