You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
