My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
