Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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