I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
