3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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