Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
