So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
