I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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