im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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