i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
