I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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