Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
please come you make the beer taste better
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
