Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
