Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
