the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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