I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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