I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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