Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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