if only i could text you this smell
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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