im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
