Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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