I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
