I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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