if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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