So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
