i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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