I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
