He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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