You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
