when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
