Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
